12 August 2008


Dear God,

I am writing in regards to a particular issue I am having with my right knee and would like to see if we can resolve it and get it fixed. I feel that the knee, as wonderful as it might be, has some flaws. I mean honestly, I am relatively young and have had numerous knee issues and surgeries. It just seems that with a newer version some improvements could be made that would prevent a) the cartilage spur that showed up while I was playing volleyball in high school, b) the evulsion fracture that happened while tele skiing 3 years ago (it wasn't THAT bad of a crash) and c) recently, whatever I managed to do to my knee last Saturday at the track. Seriously, I was just riding along and now it hurts and is swollen and can't ride my bike. Please take these things into consideration for any future developments you are creating. If you find that I would be a candidate for a "new and improved" version I will be here patiently waiting for a miracle to occur. Thank you for your time, or eternity, or whatever.

Yours Truly,

Dear Jeanie,

Thank you for your letter. I am truly sorry about the issues that you are having with your knee. I regret to inform you that at this time I cannot fulfill your request for a new knee for the following reasons:

1. Bike Racing-I know it's "low impact" but...
Telemark skiing-Your knees were not made to do that.
3. Adventure Racing-NEXT!
4. Running-You are lucky you can still walk.
5. You are clumsy-Self-explanatory/you should never have played volleyball, basketball, or anything that requires coordination.

Under NORMAL conditions (meaning normal people) these types of requests can usually be met. Due to the destructive nature of your activities it has been determined that all warranties are deemed null and void. We sincerely hope that by a combination of better judgement, miracle surgeries that will hopefully be developed and ibuprofen you can continue to do the not so normal things you do. Thank you for your inquiry. I hope to hear from you soon.